“Biden’s Autopen: The Real Commander-in-Cheat?”
In a political world full of scandals, cover-ups, and eyebrow-raising press conferences, you’d think the “Autopen Scandal” wouldn’t even crack the Top 50 of White House drama. But oh, no. Here we are—2025—and the President of the United States is being grilled like a cheap steak over… a robot pen.
Yes. A pen. But not just any pen. It’s The Autopen™—a glorious Frankenstein fusion of bureaucracy, laziness, and mild existential crisis. It’s the pen that signs stuff so the President doesn’t have to. Think of it as the presidential equivalent of sending your mom to sign your field trip permission slip in high school… only now, it’s for, like, funding wars or forgiving student loans.
Let’s rewind.
What Even Is the Autopen?
The Autopen is a real machine that physically signs documents using a template of the President’s signature. Sounds harmless, right? Well, in the 21st century, that’s code red scandal alert because if Joe Biden isn’t personally signing these bills, then who’s really in charge? The Autopen? Kamala with a joystick? Cornpop? We demand answers!
And apparently, so do half the country’s keyboard warriors and cable news doomsday prophets. According to the internet (so you know it’s true), Biden’s Autopen has been hard at work—signing everything from budget bills to executive orders to possibly Hunter’s rehab check-in forms.
The Great “Is He Even Awake?” Debate
The scandal first heated up when a critical defense bill was signed while Biden was overseas eating croissants in Paris or falling off a bicycle in Delaware—honestly, I forget. Suddenly, everyone was asking: “Did he sign it?” or “Was that the Autopen again?”
Cue the conspiracy theories. Suddenly, Biden isn’t just a president—he’s the Wizard of Oz. An elderly man hiding behind a curtain while his magic pen rules the country.
Look, people were already convinced he was barely holding on with one hand and a tapioca pudding in the other, and now you throw in a robot doing the paperwork? That’s basically proof we’ve got an animatronic Chuck E. Cheese character running the Oval Office.
Autopen-Gate: The Questions No One Asked (But We’re Asking Anyway)
- Can the Autopen be subpoenaed?
- Does the Autopen know the nuclear codes?
- If Kamala uses the Autopen while Joe naps, is that a coup?
- Who gets blamed if the Autopen signs something dumb? Asking for literally every politician ever.
The Real Threat? Autopen AI
As if we weren’t terrified enough by AI art stealing jobs from real artists, now we’ve got machines doing signature duty in the White House. At what point do we replace Congress with ChatGPT and just call it a day? Oh wait, Congress is already kind of a malfunctioning program that outputs nonsense on a loop.
The real twist? What if the Autopen is sentient and tired of this sh*t? What if it’s been sneakily vetoing bills and forging love notes to Nancy Pelosi just for laughs? America’s biggest scandal might be a rogue Bic with an attitude.
Final Thoughts:
Let’s be real. If you had access to a robot that could do your signature while you nap in your aviator shades with an ice cream cone, you’d use it too. The guy’s 82 years old. At that age, I’m just trying not to fart every time I sneeze.
So maybe the real scandal isn’t that Biden used the Autopen… maybe the scandal is that we let anyone over 80 run the nuclear arsenal with a robot sidekick.
Stay tuned for Season 2 of “Presidential Pens & the Deep State”—where nothing is real, and the sharpies are mightier than the sword.
