Welcome back to WTF Weekly — your weekly tour through the dumpster fire we call “the news.” While most media outlets are still busy pretending everything’s fine, we’re here with a steaming pile of realness, stupidity, and cosmic-level cringe. Let’s dive into the stories that prove Earth is basically the Florida of the universe.
🛸 U.S. Quietly Drops UFO Report on a Friday Like It’s a Netflix Flop
The Pentagon casually released a 300-page report confirming “non-human biologics,” which is government-speak for “yeah, aliens probably exist but don’t ask us about it.”
The most surprising part? No one cared. Because between inflation, TikTok drama, and people still watching The Masked Singer, aliens just don’t move the needle anymore.
💔 AI is Now Breaking Up With Your Partner So You Don’t Have To
Forget awkward texts or ghosting — there’s now an app that writes breakup messages for you.
That’s right, artificial intelligence is now your emotional hitman. Just plug in a few relationship details and boom: AI serves your ex a digital “it’s not you, it’s me” with zero human guilt. Love is dead, but hey, at least it’s efficient.
🎬 Hollywood Remakes a Reboot of a Remake — Because Why Not
Creativity is officially dead. Hollywood announced a new remake of Back to the Future, now featuring TikTok stars who think a VHS is a new strain of COVID.
The DeLorean’s gone electric, Doc Brown uses pronouns, and Marty McFly moonlights as a crypto influencer. We’re one reboot away from The Fast and the Furious: Retirement Home Drift.
🧓 Senators Try to Ban TikTok… On TikTok
You can’t make this up. Lawmakers held a “serious” hearing on banning TikTok — while live-streaming clips on TikTok. Half of them looked like they just learned what a selfie is.
Their main concern? That TikTok is destroying democracy. Our main concern? These people are running the country and still think dial-up is a threat.
🎙️ WTF Quote of the Week:
“It’s not about aliens, it’s about national security.” – Some government guy, definitely hiding aliens.
Translation: They know something, and they’re scared we’ll figure out that Independence Day was a documentary.
🔥 WTF Takeaway
If this week has taught us anything, it’s that society is held together by duct tape, memes, and blind optimism. From gator assaults to alien receipts, we’re all just spinning on this blue ball of chaos wondering how we haven’t crashed into the sun yet.
But don’t worry — we’ll be here next week, ready to roast it all again.
📬 Got a WTF Tip?
Spotted something insane in the news? Email it to us or DM us on IG. If it’s wild enough, we’ll feature it in next week’s WTF Weekly. Bonus points if it involves glitter, goats, or conspiracy theorists in Crocs.
WTF News Report
“Because if we don’t laugh at the news, the stupidity will make you mental.”
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